The Journey to Mecha...

Oh yeah, it's Halloween...Bollocks I gots no money or costume. Hmm...cardboard robots? YES! Quick whip round Tesco, a couple of hours and bear loads of tape later... Autobots roll out! Complete with weapons and piss flaps.

Fucking Nerds.

Concept Art #1 Simpaul & the Eyeball Geeza

Like Blud don't make me get Homeschooled!

Found this ol' ickle treat, either an early example of me experimenting with film or the worlds first Bellsploitatin film, personally I'm feeling the latter.

Pandananananananananananana

Pandananananananananananana

BY

CARL DENHAM

SCENE 1

Int. Train-Day

MAN in sales assistant clothing is sitting down absent minded, staring forward.

PANDA walks into shot, clearly drunk and sits opposite. MAN stares at him confused.

PANDA

What you staring at cunt features?

MAN

Nothing.

PANDA

Saying I’m nothing?

MAN

No not at all.

PANDA

Better not be or I’ll batter the living shit out of you.

MAN

Jesus Johnny Cash! What’s your problem?

PANDA

My problem lollipop is I have a puny white boy looking at me like I’ve been dropped in front of his eyes from some fat bitches rotten slush pipe.

MAN

Sorry, never seen a talking panda before.

PANDA

Don’t give me those faecal vocals I only spoke after you stared.

MAN

Well I’ve never seen a panda on a train.

PANDA

Do you even know what train you’re on?

MAN

Yeah I think so.

PANDA

So give me one good reason why the fuck I cant be on this train.

MAN stammers

PANDA

Pfft, I wanna drink

PANDA Clicks his fingers and a scantily clad Nurse appears with an impressive rack of drinks.

PANDA

Oi wench, Rrrum! You Wumpa fruit, want anything? Look like the type who’d enjoy a couple of shots.

MAN

Not anymore

PANDA

Whisky?

PANDA picks up a whisky

MAN Shakes head

PANDA

Beer?

PANDA picks up a Beer

MAN Shakes head

PANDA

Tart fuel?

PANDA picks up an Alcohpop

MAN Shakes head

PANDA

Coffee?

PANDA picks up a Coffee

MAN Shakes head

PANDA

Tea?

PANDA picks up a Teapot, with a heaven and hell design on the tea cosy

MAN Shakes head

PANDA

Not even Cocktails? Pretty Umbrellas and everything!

PANDA picks up a ridiculously lavish cocktail made from a coconut and adorned with umbrellas and sparklers

MAN

Honestly, i’m fine.

PANDA

Aah suit yourself, comfy? These chairs feel like tombstones.

Nurse hands PANDA the rum.

PANDA

Thanks shugs.

Nurse leaves, PANDA checks her derriere. MAN notices and gives the PANDA a wry smile.

PANDA

Can’t help it, my species is endangered and I still can’t get any panda poon. Black and white with all of ‘em, either a no go or they want me to be papa. I can’t father sprogs, you seen a panda baby? Tiny fucking things, useless as shite.

PANDA scratches his testicles

PANDA uses the same hand to scoop out the ice from his rum.

PANDA

What type of pleb wants holy juice ruining his drink? Moron. Urgh. I dunno whether I’m gonna puke or shit my pants.

MAN

Nice, real nice.

PANDA

Aah Better to be drunk in hell than sober in heaven. Know who said that? A Mong.

MAN

I can see what they mean with that, don’t matter if a disabled pers-

PANDA

You fucking idiot I said Mongol not mong. As in one of Kahn’s cats. Not some window licker, clown. I loved the Mongols, you can see how good their bender was from the moon. Funny as. Christ my head hurts, feel like someone’s squeezing at it with sandpaper hands.

MAN

Hungover?

PANDA

And still drunk, think I’m ill, really ill. Coughed up a teabag earlier and two chess pieces plus a set of car keys, I’m not a whale shark. Pissing Train isn’t helping. Scatted earlier smelt so much like a pub, not even of shit, proper like a pub. Seriously when I flushed I swear I could hear the slot machines.

MAN Laughs

PANDA

Not funny, forgot I’m a herbivore. Oi! I mean Psst.

PANDA ushers man closer

PANDA

How to you stop a six year old from crying?

MAN

No idea.

PANDA

Pull your cock out of its arse! Hahaha!

MAN is very shocked

MAN

Grim as houses.

PANDA

Oh get a grip! Only a joke. Ay, how do you know if you’re a pirate?

MAN Shrugs

PANDA

Ye just arghhhhhh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MAN

Alright I got one. How do you kill a circus?

PANDA

I don’t know Mr Faceache, how do you kill a circus?

MAN

Go straight for the juggler! Haha

PANDA Stares blankly

PANDA

Don’t get it.

MAN

Y’know the juggler vein, in your neck.

MAN Motions chopping his neck

PANDA

And?

MAN

Jugglers at a circus?

PANDA

That’s shit. Utter wank.

MAN

Only cause I’ve had to explain it, nothings funny once it’s been explained.

PANDA and MAN exchange grins

PANDA

Haha I like you Bob you remind me of Clint Eastwood.

END

'Ello 'ello what have we 'ere then?

Smudge Dredd
Here is where I, your humble art bastard shall post all things that way inclined:

http://ichitriggerfinger.blogspot.com/p/smudge-dredd.html

Lieutenant I'm Carl Denham!

Sweet Jesus Johnny Cash the pictures are moving! Here I shall keep you (and I mean that specifically) in the know about what's happening Filmwise:


http://ichitriggerfinger.blogspot.com/p/lieutenant-im-carl-denham.html

B-Side Sings Again

Oh he makes music n' all...pretentious prick. ICHI insert all musical endeavours here:


http://ichitriggerfinger.blogspot.com/p/b-side-sings-again.html

For A Few Dollars More...Feat. The Man With No Fame

If anyone's ever stupid enough to give me a commission or anything professional I'll tell you/him/her/that about it here:


http://ichitriggerfinger.blogspot.com/p/for-few-dollars-morefeat-man-with-no.html

Kick It 5star

What lives here? Only an ad-hoc collection of things that if it were made by my hypothetical child I'd jolly well stick it on the fridge, then brag about its brilliance to other parents:


http://ichitriggerfinger.blogspot.com/p/kick-it-5star.html